How to be a Mary Sue

How to be a *successful* Beyblade Mary-Sue in 10 easy steps.</b>

Ketsi: This is a guide, as the title would suggest, on how to become a perfect Mary Sue and earn something that is almost, but not completely, unlike respect. And to help me, I have three Bishounens. Two, as you would expect, are from Beyblade, but Duo Maxwell is just here for fun.
Kai: Hi.
Rei: ^.^ Hiya!
Duo: Help?
Ketsi: Duo is here, mainly for the viewing pleasure of DBZHobbit and Rachie.
Duo: ^_^
Kai: *Whispers* We fed Duo and Rei lots of sugar.
Ketsi: But only because sugar has no effect on Kai.
Rei: And this kind of needs a disclaimer!
Duo: Oh! ME! … Beyblade isn’t hers.
Kai: Neither is Gundam. *sarcastically* I can’t believe you didn’t know that.
Ketsi: If I owned them, I’d have a paid account.

_-’-_  : K _-’-_ E _-’-_ T _-’-_ S _-’-_I  : _-’-_

Step 1:

Choose a nickname.

Ketsi: It must be something people can’t recognise you by.
Kai: For example, if your name is Ketsurui normally, call yourself Ketsi.
Duo: No-one will ever know.
Rei: I sure didn’t!

Step 2:

Pose!

Ketsi: Seriously. Every good Beyblader has a pose. You know…Tyson looking vaguely fierce…
Kai: Rei with his sexy stuck out hip…*drool*
Rei: Kai doing that really odd ballet style jump…*giggle*
Duo: And Max looking far too friendly. *eyes crossed*
Ketsi: Exactly. I highly recommend ones where you balance on one leg. With one hand behind your head, the other on one hip…you get what I mean.
Rei: You’ll look good every time! ^_^

Step 3:

Create a Bitbeast!

Duo: This is where you can let your imagination run wild.
Kai: And don’t just leave it at ‘Vampire Bat’. Keep going, until that vampire bat has the body of a great big werewolf, the legs of a china teapot and claws that are four feet long and green.
Duo: By then, all that’s left of your original ‘Vampire Bat’ is a pair of tiny wing sprouting from its ears, but as long as it still has those, your Bitbeast can still be called ‘Vampire Bat.’
Ketsi: On the other hand, you can simply adopt a small pink rabbit and call it ‘Whirlwind of Doom’ or something equally stupid. That’ll do.
Rei: Then, people will fear you! *twitch* It’s far too innocent!

Step 4:

Select a colour.

Ketsi: This is serious. Without a colour for people to know you by, you could just fade into the background like many other, not-so-fortunate Mary Sues.
Rei: Here is a good point for you to…wait for it…
All: CREATE A COLOUR!
Kai: Yes, you can _actually_ do that. *that Kai look* No. I didn’t believe them either.
Duo: Ketsi, tell them your colour.
Ketsi: *proudly* Grass-green-pink with red and white stripes!
Rei: And because it’s YOUR fic, the colours won’t clash!

Step 5:

Write a history to rival Kai’s.

Kai: Hey!
Rei: *pulls a tongue*
Ketsi: Though Rei added this, it’s utterly true.
Duo: It has to be long and tedious, and take up several chapters on fanfiction.net.
Rei: If there’s a full team, only let one of you have the tortured past.
Ketsi: But when it comes down to choosing who’s past is the tortured one, don’t think you can just Ro-Sham-Bo it. This will take an all out bitch fight.
Kai: *glare* I resent you.
Duo: See? Tortured past causing evil glares.

Step 6:

Repeat steps 1 - 5 for each team member.

Kai: Make sure that everyone else in your team is a huge fan like you.
Rei: And there has to be loads of in-jokes that no-one gets!

Step 7:

Naming your team.

Duo: Possibly the greatest fun you can get.
Kai: Naming your team. *sighs, then goes into ‘Grandpa mode‘* Back in the day… *smirks*
Ketsi: Personally, I think it’s best to go with ‘The *insert team word here*-Bladers’ or ‘The *insert random word here* Girls’
Rei: Make it a word you can link to that dark past you were attempting to Ro-Sham-Bo for before.
Duo: That person is automatically El Captaino.
Ketsi: Or, like my White Tigers, name it like your team.
Kai: Try giving your team traits… you know… Neko people…
Rei: …being ghosts/zombie people…
Duo: …clinically insane…
Ketsi: Or even addicted to an extensive range of deodorants.
Rei: Anything goes.

Step 8:

Actually writing a story.

Ketsi: So, ok. You’ve got your team together, you’re written histories for each character and everyone has some kind of psychological problem.
Kai: Now you have to create a story.
Rei: *puts up hand as though in class* Put some slash in!
Duo: Even though all of your team will be having wild monkey sex with one or more of the Beyblade cast, you have to have some yaoi in there.
Ketsi: This is the thing that earns you respect.

Step 9:

Post it!

Kai: So. You’ve written your story. Now. Post it. Give it an R rating so the lemon followers will have a look.
Ketsi: *embarrassed look* Guilty as charged.
Rei: Write a huge author note.
Ketsi: Again. Guilty.
Duo: And make sure your summary is NOTHING to do with the story.
Ketsi: …Ok, I’ve never done that.

Step 10:

Dealing with flames.

Ketsi: *proud look* I’ve only ever had one flame. *points at Kai and Rei* And it was about you.
Rei: *worried* … ok.
Duo: The flames will undoubtedly come. Yes, the story may take a few weeks for people to discover, but once one person reads it and forwards the link to a friend with the infamous ‘wtf is goin on here? Read this it sooo suks’ message on AIM or MSN, everyone shall know of it.
Kai: And there will be a Hell of a lot of flames.
Ketsi: I read somewhere that they’re useful for heating bills.


Ketsi: So! There you have it.
Kai: How to be a Mary Sue in ten easy steps.
Rei: All finished up.
Duo: Until next time…
All: POSE!